mud dripping from the ceiling

mud
dripping from the ceiling today
as i sat on the couch
in my usual way

today wasn't going to be clean and nice,
no, instead i ate  chocolate and chewed on ice

there's something underneath me
inside
that's not right
it's bad and it's wrong and it's blinding my sight

i want to be vanilla,
 not covered with sauce,
but i seem to be trying to be in charge like a  boss,
to make myself spiritual,
kind and sweet,
and it just isn't working--
 an impossible feat

to chisel and form
 an idol i made
when i already am
all that Heaven can be

imagine Love and Happiness
smothered by a blanket
and i'm trying to hide from them
even though they are my parents

it will never work
to keep mom and dad
under the living room rug
they just don't fit and it's far too snug

and i'm lonely without them
and missing my feet
it's very hard to walk and move and breathe
when i've thrown my heart out
for the seagulls to eat

i see there's nothing really wrong with me,
except i think i exist
all alone in a box,
without a parent
or heart
nor even socks

just a crazy idea
that can never be true,
there can't be a me
without a you

so thank you dear brother and mom and dad
and father and sister and all that i have

i see it's ridiculous
to think i'm alone,
if that really was true
there'd be no use for phones

and since phones are everywhere
it must be true
the wisest words i can say
are
i love you

so let the mud fall,
who cares
when you love,
just catch it
and feel it
and play with it all

there's something for me
in every black hole

a surprise
i've been denying

my very own
soul

mama fell down

mama

sat by the stair

one day

for most of her life

waiting 

to be

lifted up

mama sat

by the stare

wonday

waiting

to be liftedup

mom, uh, sat

by the ssss tears oneday

waiting

waiting

waiting

to be

up 

lifted

mamasat,

like a thermostat,

by the steers

wunday

waiting to get turned up,

tuned up...

mama

fell down,

feeled down,

the stairs 

one day

and found

she couldn't get up

mama

lay down

at the bottom of the stairs,

a long long way down,

at the very bottom 

of the stairs,

in the basement

on the cold cement floor

and screamed in pain

at her broken bones,

broken image,

cracked mirror

she threw up

her guard

watched

her control

roll away

out of reach

and findally

she landed

square

in the center

of God

thank you was the whisper

that blew all around

and landed....

everywhere....

don't throw away the cat's purr!

God exists.

Is it true?

no. God is whatever "i" am making it up to be---my version

who are you without the thought God exists?

free
no where else to go
nothing to attain
end of struggle
to get somewhere
to get "it"
to change something

without the thought God exists
i'm  seeing what is--not missing it!
really present
listening
appreciating all the little details

his phone call
his voice
seeing this is all there is
the tiniest sound
 just the sound of his voice makes me feel warm
how amazing the tone, the quality, how very kind,
like a soothing blanket,
all else washed away
in this one note
and combinations
of music,
harmony and dis...

and oh!
the laughter!
feeling  it

overflowing
abundance

so receiving

this horn
this trumpet
in my mind
for me

Love
sounding its horn

without the thought God exists
(something else exists/
something more exists)...

Heaven/Having all
is...
no where else

listen
listen
listen

don't throw away the cat's purr!


this is it

all you will ever have


no future/God will ever give you more than you have/are right now

without the tornado

what are you


without the tornado?

without the ever present storm?

roughrider,
shootin' up the town,

a barroom sprawl,

without the gripe against your older sister
from when you were a "kid",

without the image of your mother crying,

without the need for money in your wallet,
money in your wallet,
money in your wallet...

how much
how many
how few

he got more than me!


without a past,
another body/moment,
image,
to compare "you" to

without any expectation from society/you,

what is?

nothing the world has ever taught you
will help you here...

this is the edge....

the threshold...

not to acquire

anything
from anyone

but to question
everything
you now hold precious...

ex cit ing....              ....          ...    ...   . . .

the listening space

the Way
is very quiet

it's a listening garden

a bench
where you sit down
stop walking
go neither backward
nor forward
nor up
nor down
nor sideways

just
listen

silence is the doorway

behind it,
 everything you are
everything you've ever wanted

all truth
you've blocked
from your  daily operating system

moving without direction:
chaotic past
chaotic future

unsettled feeling

The Garden
is a listening space

where your heart grows

Meet    Your    Heart,

the kindest
dearest
most intimate lovemaking
you've ever known

flowers
perfume
misting

you can never visit here
even once
and leave Her
again

She is,
Joy is,
Heaven

Listen/Garden

Mind/Garden

Bench yourself.

 notice

the Garden
ever blooming
lush
exquisitely
still
completely absent of fear....

pillow

pillow

 of stillness

all stars shooting through

flashes of light

unhindered

by atmosphere

pure 

space

no time to travel

here is there

one

reflection

each of all

pillow of no distinction

borders inconceivable

distance unheard of

"instantaneous" even an outdated concept

timeless

is where time never existed at all

no shift 

possible in purity

pillow

of pure stillness

resting

resting

resting

neon sign

you
are the neon sign

of my hidden guilt
my denial
my unconcious
what i don't believe about myself

you
dear streetwalking hobo
vagrant
peddler
hustler

thank you, dear God,
for this
amazing sight

the inside of my mind
these images
my thoughts

i sought to keep
from my ownership,
a trick,
to forget i
put them there

every word out of their mouth,
every claim,
every judgement
every wound
every crime

my own

neon signs
everywhere
i look
listen

my thoughts

thank you, God,
for this truth

now i can hold the dear
one
in my hands

my own child

at last we meet again

peace maker
it is you i have longed for
all my life

the hidden parts
of myself

now their innocence is bright

and in this Light,
oh in this light

there is
nothing else

no more two
no more other
no more dark
no more comparison

Nothing Else

Nothing
Else


One

and
not even...
that...

what am i?

"even 'now' is a concept.
by the time you grasp it,
it is gone"
byron katie

so what am i
now?
gone


only an image of the past is ever seen

pure imagination

so
who is the dreamer,
the believer,
prior to believing
i,
body,
mother?

who would i be
without this picture of the past?

my clothing,
that con trap tion,
of hard
rigid
solid
firmly set
unquestionable,

fidelity to "me"
loyalty to this concept

unwrapping the
mummy,
the believer,
strip by strip,

not too suddenly
or light feels harsh
and blinding

the mind
is gently opened
one link
one link
one link

sometimes a chunk
seems to fall,
but it can never be pried,
never forced,
never a moment before it does
of its own accord

or the mind only holds on tighter
for its dear
death,
 god of weakness
identity

no,
first a toe
in the water of freedom,
of clarity

a kiss
to the Stranger
it once denied
was itself

and the warmth
that floods
the mind
assures itself
this is the Way

no price to pay
ever

no loss possible

what am i
without the belief
"i" am,
(what i think --all past learning...)?


resting
resting
resting

now
you can be told...

a new experience

possible

without mom

without a mother

(earth mother)

Heaven

time has never started

nor stopped

i believed not one word

"my mother"/the world

told me

innocent one

remains

without one glitch

effortless

she watches the playful

images

walk about

kaleidoscope

high heels

nylons

mustaches

sparkling eyes that twinkle stars out into the afternoon touching touching touching every one

colorful shapes that open wide

and erupt with "air and sound",

the tumbling

of "laughter"

(and look how closely that "word" resembles "daughter" and we all say it completely differently

because

mama said so...)

the tumbling

of cars

into one another's bellies,

gasoline pouring out so plentifully onto the sidewalk and streaming down the curb, the street, back to where it....gone

the tumbling of bridges

falling

and being re-con-structur-ed

over "rivers"

can that "word" really contain anything at all?

the ants marching marching marching

and

then

disperse

one sits down beside her on the bench

who are you?

it asks

and all she can do

is smile

are you kidding?

my name is

not enough

my friend is

are you kidding?

what else do you really think

you need?

where would you have me attach

that extra arm, body, life?

extra life,

you say,

you don't have enough life?

you are not living fully?

half dead?

is it possible?

your heart can beat half-heartedly?

on again,

off again.

perhaps you think

you are in charge of this,

that you are right

about this...

perhaps,

the heart is beating wholly anyway,

fully happening anyway!

even in your most powerful devoted denial,

technicolor hallucination...

blood and guts!

how very kind

the truth is

tears

can never

scar

the Face

of

God...

i need your leg

how funny

i think

i need your leg,

your body,

to be happy...(like i don't already have enough legs....:-)

how really funny

"that ear",

i need your particular ear,

another ear,

to hear

what already is inside me,

mine

i think i want him

to listen to me

when i refuse

to sit still

and listen

to the most beautiful,

wise, loving, joyous,

playful Voice,

music

flowing freely

here

refusing to be quiet,

i demand you

listen to this nonsense.

i don't respect it,

and i demand you do

what a gift

to see this confusion

please forgive me, world,

i am blind to my blindness

compassion

is the only way

out...

blowing the mind

Father

blows the mind

blows the "world" away

into bits and pieces

Love

Generosity

Father

is proof

scarcity does not exist,

is not true

generosity lives me,

rivers me,

reveres me

generosity sees

the twinkle

in the midst

of suicide

generosity

will never let go of you,

let you slip under the quicksand

to be blind

by dark

generosity will kiss

you,

embrace

you,

even at mid-night,

in the darkest hour

of torture,

denial

generosity

can never change,

never give anything else

but

the truth

of its existence

not one thing

not one thing

can block the way to my Father

hold not one thing

or

you give my joy

second position,

gutter,

effect,

not cause

there is no thing, person, situation, image,

in this world

that holds

any

joy for you

only Father

can do that,

be that,

is

It illumines

everything you see

to the illumined mind

the world sparkles

"i" know nothing

because "i"

is an imagined viewpoint,

a fantasy of disconnection,

everything "it" sees one with its fantasy

what would friendship do?

here is where true marriage is

friends don't divorce,

a friend is a mender of fences

being always consistent,

honest,

pure,

devoted,

supportive,

sees through

the mosquito bites,

the mistakes

are always given a chance

to come back down

proportionate to the whole,

not all of it

friends watch

the parade of life,

time can lapse,

distance in space seem to picture,

yet one heart

remains

one heart

re-mains

gratitude

not one thing

can block the way

to Father

natural

a smile

the world,

the universe

of

a

smile

all it entails,

lifting the corners of "lips"

cheeks,

eyes,

eyebrows,

forehead,

all of body lightens,

blood pressure shifts,

warm,

full,

with you

and me

loving loving loving

no future

no past...

from where

does this happening

come?

origin?

that lights the face

of every face

lights the way,

a "smile",

we say the word

and never stop,

to take in

this grace,

this glory

the most natural act

millions of times a day,

wholly void of effort,

effort and joy being opposites,

and without overlap of any kind

what great news this is,

in spite of all evidence to the contrary,

happiness lives

laughter simply lives

when something is funny,

it just is

we don't have to prove it

or argue about it

or research it

or decide anything

it just is

and nothing can stop the smile

no thing

no one

no power in the universe

can stop

us

from breaking

into

a big

huge

grin

from breaking

into

laughter

breaking up

falling over

rolling on the floor

in total

uncontrollable

joy!

one pinstripe at a time

without judgement

on the pinstripe,

on Harvard,

or Yale,

or the high school drop out,

or heroine addict...

without judgement,

on this picture

without history,

data, based on others,

hearsay

of frightened judging minds...

wouldn't you see a kindred soul?

one who loves something,

who walks,

drinks orange juice,

goes to the bathroom,

just like you,

wants to be happy

and thinks he has an idea of what that might be,

and is doing the best that he can...

given what he believes?

wouldn't you have compassion

for this version of you?

this operating system with a virus,

a default setting

of "not good enough"...

wouldn't you just like

to follow him home one night

and give him surprise love notes

under his pillow,

on the mirror in the bathroom,

on his milk in the refrigerator...?

wouldn't you love to

float into his ear

and hear

when he has the thought

"i'm not good enough"...?

and wouldn't you love to

just gather that thought all

up in your arms--

roll it up in the soiled sheets,

carry it downstairs

in the laundry basket

and leave him

this sparkling space of clarity...

that is lighter than anything

he has ever experienced...?

where he clearly hears guidance

and feels supported,

and simply can't

locate any more reasons

why not to love...?

so

this is

yours to give,

in this very physical world

any time you feel

"i'm not good enough"...

love,

so dear, so real, so unaffected,

truly

hovers

in every moment

to land you,

and ground you,

and bring you back

to

Reality

one pinstripe

at

a

time...

So what?

so what?

if it took nine months?

who made you timekeeper in this play?

isn't that how you rob yourself of love?

give yourself a deadline to make--

a cross to bear,

five minutes late,

and off with your head

taking "too long"--says who?

it's all a claim of

not here now

"should have been done yesterday",

who says it wasn't

done in your mind

before you even began?

completion

now i lay a clock on it

and try to push and pull

and fit that one and a half hour job

into the

half hour box

and i just can't seem to do it!!!

so i conclude

brilliantly

"i suck"

what muck!

what senseless insanity is this?

one and a half hours

does not fit into

a half an hour box.

rest, angel,

there is no need.

who put you up to this task?

of twisting the left arm off your

doll so she can fit in the box

you found in the alley?

the monster

wants only to divide, separate,

and box up,

to keep control,

order,

that has no life!

no breath!

who can breathe

when quartered,

sorted,

and packed up to

fit the monster's agenda?

tick, tick, tick, tick

i know...

i know...

i know....

i know...

so what?

if it takes

nine years!!!

who made you

timekeeper

in this play?

How arrogant to be small!

How arrogant

all the reasons,

seasoning,

spices,

flavors,

perks,

the reasons

not

to love...

you do not know

the capabilities that lie in you,

that ARE you

it's what you are

you do not know

do you see

you

gave birth to a baby?!!!

a baby!

see,

go back to that moment

you first laid eyes,

first held in your arms

that infant

that came to life

within you

as you slept,

wrote,

washed the dishes,

actually did nothing consciously...

do you see

you didn't DO IT?

it was done

as you

through no effort

of your own

and possibly in spite of your effort not to

give birth,

it came anyway,

life

as you

if this is reality/truth,

why is it you tell yourself

you can't make a phone call,

can't do the dishes right now,

can't get it done,

can't do all you desire,

can't give all you are to the world

in this moment?

oh dear dear dear child,

sit down,

it is not so

you simply are the star

you see

shining in the night

that sends its light

trillions of miles away

and you can not know

where it lands

and how

it lights the world

for all the Universe to see

you cannot see how

the child

you carried

lights the lives, the minds,

brings laughter

to all the rings of faces

and hearts,

her tree touches,

and how those

touch those and those and those...

you cannot see

how arrogant all the reasons why not...

to love

re-side

Our Father

Who art heavenly,

having all,

love,

every ant

every speck of dirt

upon my clean white shirt

is

God

everything

drops of God,

manna,

having,

haven,

safety

you simply must de-cide,

re-side,

agree

that the Son has risen!

claim no more

it is dark outside,

nor inside,

when the Son is clearly shining

as bright as can

be

isn't that kind of a one-sided position?

"darkness"

for goodness sakes,

forgiveness's sake,

how can you see at all

if there is no light ?

yes,

pause,

slow down,

breathe,

ready?

how can you see

at all

if there is no light,

no love,

in this situation?

and watch

it fall

if love,

if light,

is there at all

then

let

it be

look at it

look directly at the light

you failed to see

while claiming darkness

with all your might

and denying

this Pearl

of wisdom,

sitting so clearly

so beautifully

right in the center,

between right

and wrong

Our Father

Who art heavenly,

having all love,

every ant,

every speck of dirt

on my clean white shirt

is,

must be,

God