loco motive

heartsick
she wretched
made herself sick
drained all her energy

when her mind
lied to her,
believed something
impossible,
untrue,
against her nature

be cause
she mis understood,
mis interpreted,
mis perceived

this innocent boy

how can a baby
be "bad"?
guilty?

a child

both, children

mother no more grown up,
no more awake,
sound asleep to her guilt,
projection

believing her wants,
needs,
shoulds,
past pictures,
historical photos

of what a "happy (family)"
looks like,
a successful (mother),
a worthy person

defined mother
by having a son,
poor thing

and innocent, she,
a babe in swaddling clothes,
she,
lost in guilty thoughts,
looking for redemption
as a wonderful "mother"

and not finding it where it coud never be!

slammed!
face to the wall

crystal ball shattered!

her son dead

couldn't take it
the pressure cooker
of a mother
needing him to excel--
to redeem "her",
give her worth
she was denying
to herself

hopeless

life stopped.

finally.

she had to get off
that train
of thought

she,
too,
image,
must die

no more
crystal ball
to worship

only stillness

only stillness

only stillness

station empty

what am i
without
that train
of thought?

(dedicated to the dear innocent baby we all are...
traveling
to new worlds
where infants
have no stain,
no hindrance
at all
to Heaven Itself)

before you ask
I am there