full circle

i killed the cat.
i did it.
and i am 100% innocent.

a gargantuan iceberg

fell into the sea

10 years in the waiting

10 years ago
my 17 year old son said to me,

"why don't you just kill the cat?"

terror arose
huge terror
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
hysteria
mega sadness
"disappointment" can't begin to describe
the internal devastation

he's a psychopath
no feelings
no compassion
i hate him
i hate me
i have failed, truly failed
shame
done wrong

this CANNOT BE

deer in the headlights

frozen in terror

helpless
absolutely devastated

and deaf
dumb
and blind

add to it "why not just kill old people?"

my  mind REVOLTS...explodes in hallucinations...
i'm trulytripping!
this is impossible!
too horrible
gruesome
to even go there...

EVIL!

nuclear guilt

i am destroyed...

any image of a loving mother
or loving son
is completely obliterated

reality obliterated:
'this cannot be happening"
things like this don't happen...

and today (ten years later)
i killed the cat.
yes. literally.
she was 20 years old,
peeing on the floor,
with a big lump in her gut,
two doses of antibiotics had been given...

and i decided it was time
for her to "die",
to be "put to sleep",
"euthanized"
we say.

we give like death/killing
another a name.

and I see
the simplicity
the stillness
the kindness
the invitation to contemplate life, being,
this is all there is

and I see
Aaron's (my son's) absolute innocence.
A child asking a simple question.

I see I could not even hear the question,
I could not even consider the simple
profound, deep question that it was.

I could not see the invitation
to ask, to consider, to contemplate

death

"killing"

I see I put ALL the destruction on him,
this innocent child,

I see now
as I drive away
from the vet
having witnessed
the administering of the iv,
her tongue hanging out of her mouth,
the drug in her eyes,
and finally the body without a heartbeat,
the gift of her life,
the silence and peace,
experience continuing

I see the devastation
was ALL mine.

I see nothing happened,
but a child asking a question
to his mother.

I love you, Aaron, with all my heart.
And I am sorry I looked at you with such terror
in my eyes and heart.

You are so innocent.
So completely innocent.
And I see, too, was an innocent child
believing my thoughts.
Having a nightmare.

Love to us all.
And thank you, kitty.
You never know
when an iceberg is going to fall.

amen.