withdrawal

new realization:

i have withdrawn from everyone i've ever known

i have judged everyone

i

have

distanced

myself

i rejected everyone

i ever saw

as a body

wow!

fearing rejection

because i already

rejected myself,

attacked myself

having bought into the ego,

the ego's story

i am seeing it more clearly now

the almost constant instant subtle

subconcious reaction--

my part

the ego can only reject

it does not know what love is

it is the illusion of seeking what it doesn't really want and can never find

the ego is

the black hole

bleakness

it's seeming happiness and pleasure is a cover

for this dark despair

lurking just silently enough so you do not see it...

until you do

feel

it's

bottomless

unredeemable

vacuum

a black curtain

pulled across the Face of God

searching frantically

in the dark

i tried in vain

to imagine

i could find heaven

somewhere

in this mess

it is not so

every scrap of ego identity

must go...

nothing from your past is true

there is no past

my only path to Joy

is

to

lay

down

everything

to once again

own

and open to

this doorway:

i do not know the thing i am